A girlfriend of mine posted on her stories a few weeks ago, “Life is not always perfect and sometimes that’s okay. Without struggle there is no growth and sometimes there are things you have to learn the hard way.” Ya’ll know I am such a super positive person. Ya’ll know I can give you pros and cons about anything. Often times, I can take the worst situations and make it be the happiest of times. This is what I value in myself! I value to enjoy what life comes to me.
A promise I made when starting my website was I will always be honest with you as my audience (no matter how small or large the platform I may have). As of recently, my words of reflecting the positive things in life has been majorly put to the test. Right now I will warn you my post today is going to be very raw. It is going to be super personal and reflect my emotions. Everyday and at every event I put myself in such a vulnerable position. This post is going to be me opening my heart to you. I think its extremely important for people to recognize and for other couples who may be experiencing the same things to feel they are not alone. My post today is talking about infertility.
Growing up, I had a wonderful childhood. My parents were always attentive with activities my siblings and I were in. They have always been supportive. Values of respect, discipline and encouragement were taught at a young age. The dreams I had were always taken seriously. They made wishes to reality and told me to keep reaching for more. The qualities my parents reflected towards my siblings was why I always wanted to be a Mommy.
Being a planner, I have ALWAYS planned for everything. I knew directly out of high school I wanted to go to college and get my degree. Being in a serious relationship with Shawn, I knew I didn’t want to get engaged until after I graduated (he waited a week later). Being engaged I knew I wanted to get married and have a house before we talked about having kids. Once we moved into our home, the goal was to wait a year before we started trying. I knew the women in my family didn’t have issues with getting pregnant and often joked about them getting pregnant from breathing. As Shawn and I were taking this journey we knew the plan I had would change. My plan started to become “OUR” plan. Once we moved into our house and had been married almost 4 months, we knew we wanted to start trying for a family.
In April of 2018, we took the leap of faith to pursue having a family. People reference it as the “fun part” of getting pregnant. People get excited leading up to when they get to pee on the stick in hopes of seeing two pink lines. I will be honest, it WAS fun for us the first few months. Leading up to seven, eight and nine months later the fun turned into disappointment. I thought maybe I was calculating my ovulation time wrong considering I was using an app. I switched from an app to taking ovulation test everyday within a month to see my most fertile times. When I knew my correct fertile days, I would keep myself positive thinking its only a matter of time. There have been plenty of times Shawn and I would be talking thinking I could be pregnant. At the closest opportunity I would take a pregnancy test. Often times would take two to three each month hoping the results would be different. Nothing changed, I was not pregnant. I will say brain power has a contributing factor when going through something difficult. Our minds have a way to help with balancing emotions versus facts. When going through dates and knowing my peek times something was not adding up. I needed to know what was stopping us from being able to have a baby.
March of 2019, we finally went to the doctor. We went through several tests and the results concluded we have very low chances of being able to conceive naturally. I could tell you who has what wrong BUT there is no point. The fact of the matter is no one is to blame. We can’t help our situation with the blockers we have for infertility and a lot of it has to do with our genes. The doctor has given us plenty of options such as IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination) but due to our case, he finds IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) will be the better option. It’s an aggressive and very expensive option that will not be covered under insurance. With our options given, there is not a 100% guarantee it will work. It will take months of physical and financial preparation before we get try to have a mature egg. Chances of us having to go through multiple cycles is very likely.
Here is my emotions and the truth. Days before the appointment I was extremely anxious. In my heart, I knew I needed to prepare for what might be said. The moment the doctor told us the chances of us conceiving naturally would be low, I was choking back tears. Leaving the doctor’s office, our emotions were all over the place. Shawn had to go back to work to finish client deals while containing his emotions. Family members were waiting patiently for the test results as they knew about the appointment. Even as an adult, I needed my mom to comfort me. We drank wine and talked about what the odds were. We talked about what was to come and knowing this journey wasn’t going to be easy. She would explain to me how we could change certain habits to be able to go through a natural pregnancy. Knowing she was able to do it naturally, created a bitterness for me. Often in our conversation I would reference telling her that there is more to getting pregnant than just having sex. She would be crying as I would tell her she would never understand the feelings of what my husband and I are going through.
As I was driving home, I was crying. When I got home, I was crying. Thinking about mine and Shawn’s dream creating a large family, made me cry. Thinking of me being a mommy, made me cry. My eyes were so red, so puffy from the tears. Going into the next day, ended up being the same. If I thought too much of what was said or going into the thoughts of kids, I would start crying. When scrolling through social media, it felt all of these people were happy of the things their kids were doing or making the announcement of being pregnant for the first or fourth time. Out of all of these people, they have not experienced the tears, rage and jealousy I am facing. They get to have a choice to have as many children as they want and when to call it quits. In our situation, its really based off the miracles God can provide for us. Its going to be a long, hard battle Shawn and I will be facing together. We are continuing to heavily pray for our outcome to change. We want our miracle to be on God’s timing and for us to be set with our perfect match. As of now, we believe there is a lesson needed to be learned. We still don’t know what it is or what it could be but we know we will learn something from what we feel in heartache.
Shawn and I are the 1 in 8 couples who have problems with infertility. Even though the doctor is optimistic for us to get pregnant it is still a physical and mental battle. What is bananas is the fact we are NOT the only couple. Plenty of couples are going through this right freakin’ now and often find it embarrassing or too hard to talk about. Some couples have gone through the struggle of getting pregnant and ended up with miscarriage or still born. IT HAPPENS EVERYDAY AND ALL THE TIME! There are so many couples who have similar situations as we do. They all range in ages from as young as 20’s going up to 50’s and older. All are still just as painful, just as hurtful and just as heartbreaking.
I really want family and friends to understand. There are so many things Shawn and I are suffering silently. We are working a lot of the struggles through prayer. A little bit everyday we feel more at peace and everyday we are getting stronger to overcome our emotions. Infertility will always be something we will live with and right now it is very fresh. There are moments we feel hopeless and often feel very sad.
My goal for this post is not to get sympathy. I promise you we don’t need it. My hope is for this to make people aware of the words and actions it has towards others. The fact I used to prank my parents into thinking I was pregnant makes me cringe. It hurts because now I am struggling to fight to have those two precious lines. It hurts how pregnancy can be used maliciously. It hurts how people can be careless and undeserving of having such a precious gift. It is not funny or comical. It completely hurts.
You think pregnancy is a joke?! Honey, let me pray for you. I pray that you and your future spouse never have to experience the emotions my husband and I are going through. I pray for you to never take advantage of the precious life God gave you. I pray for you to be a great parent and pray for your children to be healthy. These are all things I am praying for you.
Love you bushels,
ONE FAT DOVE